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This Is Not Joy.

This post has been in my heart for quite awhile. Part of me feels selfish for writing it, because even with our struggles, we are still so blessed. With that said, we are all feeling our feelings from our individual point of perspective, right?

Lately, life has been kind of shitty.

Before getting pregnant, I was confident that having a baby would fit perfectly into our life. With me working from home, we’d have a gentle transition into being working parents, and Alba would be comfortable at home. I thought I’d be able to work during her naps, and be able to maintain my level of concentration and care for my clients. Soon after returning to work, we decided to hire a nanny. Glory! It was wonderful to have some solid chunks of uninterrupted work time. At the end of each day, while I still had items on my to-do list, I was able to close it down, and return to mom life. As time has gone on, I’ve slowly realized that I’m losing control of the balance I so desperately hoped to have. I no longer eat dinner with my family every night of the week, because I’m eating at my computer. I miss my sweet Saturday morning cuddles, because I wake up at 5:30 to get some extra time with my projects. With this extra work time, I am losing my personal time. I am not making much progress with my projects. It’s a horrible feeling to always be behind. My business thrives on referrals from my past clients. When I make them wait way longer than anticipated, or don’t meet promised deadlines, I look like an asshole. Plain and simple. I am losing my joy.

This weekend, we made a really hard decision. We spontaneously decided to visit an open house for a new infant/toddler day school, and as soon as we walked in, I wanted to cry. I knew it was perfect. Each room is perfectly curated to give the babies and toddlers room to explore, learn, grow, and interact.

Starting the first week of March, Alba will be leaving the house four days a week. It breaks my heart, but I know that this is where my joy will be found. I will regain a full time schedule, and be able to dive back into the work I love. The decision was met with so many questions, like: Will she be sad? Will she think we’re leaving her? Will we be able to handle it? and Can we actually swing this? All of the answers are starting to become more clear. We can do this, and this is seriously an amazing opportunity for Al. She will have classmates that she’ll grow with. Plus, happy parents make a happy home. Our time together will now be pure joy … no carrying the guilt of unfinished work.

We’re still very much still figuring out how it’ll all work. I don’t know how to handle the first week. I’ve already had some feelings of inadequacy and abandonment (hello, crazy mom brain!). We had to give notice to our amazing nanny, which brought its own feelings of guilt. It’s all so hard. It’s hard going through change. It’s hard having to let other people down. It’s hard to know that my baby will no longer be at home all day. It’s hard wondering if we’re making the right choice.

I’m thinking a lot about the book “All Joy and No Fun” — That title truly sums up this experience. Parenting is a motherfucker. But hey, those sweet moments are just pure perfection.

I’ll take any good vibes and well wishes as we navigate through this next chapter of life. As the warmer weather is creeping in, I just want to feel happy and fulfilled. I want to be the best mom and wife I can be, and these hard decisions are part of my journey towards my goal.

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